Day 6- Crying

Sadness has come into my being. On the outside i appear that all is well. However,internally there is wars going on. The question I will ask is what are these feelings of uncontrollable crying about? Well specifically they’re about loss. The loss of friends in my life. The loss of family members in my life. The loss of my childhood. The loss of jobs. The loss of “the past” and the pain that goes with it. Sometimes the crying is the frustration of stress. Sometimes the crying is sadness from the words i never said to my loved ones. So mainly its about the shit i hold in. Other times i cry because i feel so bad about how another person made me feel.Sometimes it feels as if its just cleansing my soul. I get teary eyed alot…not emotionally but from allergies,pollution, and sinus fuckery. Its very strange but for me and where im at crying in front of people who support me is my courage. You will hear another side of me you never knew existed. My true self=my vulnerable self. My false self is my shell.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be seen crying.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not show any weakness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage my relationship to self and others by holding in everything. Holding in words, thoughts, actions, and emotions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not cry in front of people, when crying in front of people can be an act of courage where im afraid to let out the sadness in grief in public. I believe if i cried in front of people who cared about me they would probably get closer because they can see how much im really hurting. Yes. If im honest with myself. There is hurt. Yes its healthy to express it out of my body. But me holding it in from my observation,DISTANCES or HIDES me from people who care about me. I tend to be closed off in my shell and not let people in and see me. Because im afraid they’re going to make me feel bad about myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be depressed when i do isolate myself. Its that the isolation actually IS depressing. Therefore the solution is to get out and do something.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not speak through my sadness and tears to get it out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell myself toughen up be a man dont cry.

When and as i see myself going into isolation and becoming depressed. I stop and breathe.

 

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Day 5- Something wrong with me?

Sometimes I have the thought that i am not good enough or complete. Or “something is wrong with me”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as slow

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as “special ed”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as “learning impaired”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as antisocial and different

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a failure

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I can’t create anything or change on this planet.

When and as i see myself going into judgment that something is wrong with my personality,brain, or appearance. I stop and breathe.

Day 4- Asking for Help

I just feel like today is one of those days. That has been ruined. I don’t really feel like doing much. I haven’t been feeling well either. Very tired and kind of upset stomach. A lot has happened . Some of which I will not write about. I am really suppressed today and it’s been difficult to communicate my talking is changing which scares me. I haven’t been sleeping well, nor getting enough sleep.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get drained.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel helpless.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel addicted.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like im codependent and possibly in a toxic relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like im toxic.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in miscommunication

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not speak deeply enough.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose focus of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be surrounded by family with not the best influences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think someones gonna hurt me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not move my body physically and push myself and then feeling like if i don’t im stuck by myself in a place where no one can reach me or help me because i’ve been programmed to think such ways.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to get up early enough to be productive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in energy of the mind and thus create consequences of polarity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry i started sneezing in the morning and that my breathing is messed up from allergies

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like i need help and am a mess.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think my whole family and friends are fucked up but they are not separate from me.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to manifest my career.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist and dislike sneezing allergies and sinus blockages. Then judge myself and wish i wasn’t speaking with a voice that sounds like i’m sick.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the fall/autumn.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel inferior that my parents are partners are having good conversations. Feeling jealous and wishing i had someone to talk to like that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like i enable my fathers drinking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing this disease of fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defeated by fear today.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel so miserable take on peoples emotions that  i can no longer have “a good head on my shoulders” have compassion or love within.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be ready for a relationship or a job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like today i just cant communicate with my parents.

Day 3- Nature

I recently did a youtube video on Nature being the foundation of my authenticity and relations. Being out in nature I can forget my worries,fears, and anxieties and air out my “mental frame” Nature is our teacher. Nature isn’t prejudice or judging. We feel accepted and nurtured by nature.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make excuses to not go out into the forest of nature.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to isolate myself from nature for fear of being attacked out in public.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disconnect/dissociate from my true authentic “nature.”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose touch with the “mother” earth and “my” mother as well as my “inner mother”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose touch disconnect fragment from my inner feminine

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse my inner nature.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pollute/corrupt/sacrifice/kill my inner nature.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to steal from the earth and nature.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be natural.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be artificial/

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about using women for sex

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be fucked up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate,use,abuse, and fuck myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be fucked.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to deceive nature and woman.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be naked.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that man and women shit piss,cum,fart,drool,and bleed and all all ugly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be nauseated

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want women to give me sex

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want  to “fuck” women

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rape the earth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give back.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail protecting the earth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in this shit and pollution.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in misogyny.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in “sins”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abandon my relations with trees

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to neglect not grow my relations with the earth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my relations with gender.

 

I commit myself to walk the word authentic

When and as I see myself feeling nauseated I stop and breathe.

 

Day 2-Retro Video Game Console Obsession

Since I was a young boy I always was obsessed with toys. However they drained me too. I developed a obsession at a young age with objects involving  action figures,ice cream trucks, legos, castles, and toy trains and cars. I remember listening to the cars go by as a child. Not understanding the money system why “life” just seems to be “passing cars” and people in cars trying to get to their next destination. A little off topic perhaps. So recently ive been considering and contemplating about buying a video game system. One in which I never “had” or “owned” I’ve been obsessing about this console for the past couple days. Going into a fantasy world of imagining fantasy type games.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to obsess over buying a retro game console and retro gamrd

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to like have orgasms over imagining playing these retro games

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose control when im bored and nearly purchase consoles and games i cant afford.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become addicted to my new computer tower.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act in obsessive compulsive nervous ways around technology my cellphone, pc, and imagining playing video games

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that purchasing this console will magically like “change my aura”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be scared of becoming too lazy playing video games and being on pc and my cellphone

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compulsively check on facebook and instagram for “attractive” women to like there posts while not talking to them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear video games ,tv shows, and movies will hypnotize me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid tv and movies is controlling my brain.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into mind projections of collecting these retro games

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into obsessive repetitive thoughts of screenshots of these game the game covers and japanese imported games and consoles

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to play video games all day and do nothing.

 

When and as i see myself going into obsession of this retro game console i stop and breathe.

Day 1- Starting Over

I have broken my commitment to 21 days writing every day. I have been busy and when i do work,I find myself too tired to reflect and write.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be too tired and emotionally “sponged” to want to face myself and undo with self forgiveness statements

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be lazy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not even try, start, or ask.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise asking questions with fear of rejection,punishment, or humiliation. and feeling like im stupid.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to break myself down rather than build myself up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like a “bad” friend, cousin, and son.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not tell my mom i love you

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid to show love from my mom…probably due to peer pressure and being cool not allowed to say i love you to parents.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to withdraw love from my mom during junior high years and become cold hearted

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be good at giving back to my parents and supporting them financially.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not tell my dad i love you

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself not to know how to love people or be a friend or talk to people

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be ashamed of myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad and lonely and antisocial

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be anti social

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make things harder than they really are and thus drain and frustrate myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I CAN’t do anything or whatever i want

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate work and hate workers

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be able to tolerate a worker and resign because of them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate going to new jobs with new people and see new clicks.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when i go to new jobs to say fuck you in my head to everyone as a defense mechanism that they wont judge me or try to “fuck” with me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to “have” to high paced physical jobs to be able to survive and if i dont like it for feeling like im doomed if i leave for feeling like a quitter/loser/weakling

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become very tired daily.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself when im rock bottom to not want to speak to anyone or do anything again like i protest against everything.

 

When and as i see myself going into self sabotage. I stop and breathe.

When and as i see myself going into antisocial thoughts i stop and breathe.

When and as i see myself getting emotional and sad I stop and breathe.

When and as i see myself comparing myself to others i stop and breathe

Day 20 Writers Block

It has been a while since I’ve written. Decide to push past the resistance and write. But I had a lot of writers “blocks” I couldn’t think of what to write about.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about the past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be paranoid of sharing myself on a blog.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust groups of people

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to chase this nostalgic feeling of friendship in my school daze

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be hesitant to find work because im going on vacation in 2 months or so

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give a fuck about things that i shouldn’t give a fuck about

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to run away from the point that life sucks

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not embrace the low points of the waves of emotions

I forgive myself  for not accepting and allowing myself to see,realize, and understand that a little bit goes a long way

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not claim myself as the director and creator of my life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wait until i have a girlfriend to live potential, adulthood, and openness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see and realize that i have to open up a point in order to write and elaborate on it.

When and as i see myself going into mistrust i stop and breathe.

When and as i see myself giving a fuck about things i should not give a fuck about i stop  and breathe

When and as i see myself going into overthinking i stop and breathe

When and as i see myself going into personalities or characters i stop and breathe

When and as i see the mind consciousness system lying i stop and breathe