Sadness has come into my being. On the outside i appear that all is well. However,internally there is wars going on. The question I will ask is what are these feelings of uncontrollable crying about? Well specifically they’re about loss. The loss of friends in my life. The loss of family members in my life. The loss of my childhood. The loss of jobs. The loss of “the past” and the pain that goes with it. Sometimes the crying is the frustration of stress. Sometimes the crying is sadness from the words i never said to my loved ones. So mainly its about the shit i hold in. Other times i cry because i feel so bad about how another person made me feel.Sometimes it feels as if its just cleansing my soul. I get teary eyed alot…not emotionally but from allergies,pollution, and sinus fuckery. Its very strange but for me and where im at crying in front of people who support me is my courage. You will hear another side of me you never knew existed. My true self=my vulnerable self. My false self is my shell.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be seen crying.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not show any weakness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage my relationship to self and others by holding in everything. Holding in words, thoughts, actions, and emotions.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not cry in front of people, when crying in front of people can be an act of courage where im afraid to let out the sadness in grief in public. I believe if i cried in front of people who cared about me they would probably get closer because they can see how much im really hurting. Yes. If im honest with myself. There is hurt. Yes its healthy to express it out of my body. But me holding it in from my observation,DISTANCES or HIDES me from people who care about me. I tend to be closed off in my shell and not let people in and see me. Because im afraid they’re going to make me feel bad about myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be depressed when i do isolate myself. Its that the isolation actually IS depressing. Therefore the solution is to get out and do something.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not speak through my sadness and tears to get it out.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell myself toughen up be a man dont cry.
When and as i see myself going into isolation and becoming depressed. I stop and breathe.