Allergies and sinus irritation

So today I was planning on going to my Uncle’s Memorial today. Whom I was not close to but I wanted to see my cousins which I haven’t seen in a while. However, my good intentions didn’t work out. As i was “harrased” by the annoying allergies.  I decided not to go because I felt so miserable. I also felt bad for not going…but I will see them soon I just miss them. Apparently, pollen levels are really high during this time we’re having a early spring over in Illinois. So lots of pollen, which means lots of allergies. I started sneezing in the morning. And I actually had it last night too. Sneezing non stop irritation my dry sinuses and every thing connected to sinuses. Its important for me to pay attention to my body….and investigate. The sinus is connected to the brain eyes nose and face i believe.I could be wrong.  I get this thing once in a while where i get allergy attacks of non stop loud and intense sneezing. I even shout or yell because its so intense I make all types of kind of whiny victimy complaining painful noises and I notice I sometimes suppress or ignore them. I just wanted to lash out at anything and anyone. I knew I didnt want to go because my energy my pain could ruin others peace. My pain really brought out my wounded inner child. Which felt helpless,angry, sad, mad, violent, and wanted to just cry and be alone. I honored that by choosing and realizing I was out of my element and something internally was crying out for my honor and respect.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to actually cry internally from the pain and dryness. To realize I did the right thing by taking care of my self first because if theres a a child crying? do you ignore it. No. You nurture it you pick it up and hold in in your arms.You be with it.

I forgive myself for accepting  and allowing myself to lash out at others when my allergy/sinus attacks come up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a  victim real fast and punish others in my head because i feel so miserable after allergy attacks

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lash out at my dad mentally after allergy attacks and feel needy like a need sympathy and attention because im in pain and react because i judged him as being quiet.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to kill people after and during my allergy attacks

I forgive myself  for accepting and allowing the pain of my allergy attacks and sinus pain to fuel my ego and pain-body

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compound pain into myself from all the allergy attacks and sinus pain and breathing problems i had associated with allergy attacks
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up because i feel like i cant breathe

 

 

 

Not trusting teachers supporters

i cant trust people who are there to teach or support me. Because ive been hurt that way.deep down i dont trust anyone and close myself off to help in defense and isolation. Due to some unknown cause where..? Im not as afraid of “constructive criticism” as i imagine. I can take a lot more than i think. there seems so to some beliefs from infortmation ive read about verbal abuse and its effects on people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust anyone

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to close myself off to help and support in defense and isolation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of judgement and punishment when I already put myself through it!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be a dick to myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear “constructive criticism”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can’t help being sensitive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself doubting my ability to endure hurt directed from others and to look past the mask and into the cause or just realize some things can’t be understood.

 

 

Suppressing Self-Expression

So let me look into and take a deeper look at me suppressing my self expression. Some things i am afraid of is to raise my voice in public, (being raised by “quiet parents) Singing in public, Rapping(for example), or freestyling.etc  There are things I hold in but could help the public if I expressed about the point of slavery on all levels in this society all over the world.  I don’t rap out loud yet I have made some videos so i can listen to myself which was cool. I like hip hop and specifically lyrics. It always helps and supports me to express myself. Being raised to be quiet and gentle and “beautiful” There’s alot thats “ugly””loud” and “rough” that has to be expressed or it may cause illness in the body. I try to do alot of body movement which helps to move and let go of bottled up emotions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my voice in public as if its going to disturb or scare someone

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to talk quietly rather than clearly and effectively

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to kind of postpone or give up learning about guitar. Due to wanting to stay in my comfort zone

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to express “nice,kind, beautiful” things and then have trouble expressing ugly, rough, and mean things. As expressing myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe i have too much of a soft spoken voice to sing and even talk to people

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my identity is a soft spoken person just because my parents are

 

Being labeled and being name-called

Some “negative” names I’ve been called and therefore label myself with that I hate are : looking “sleepy”(are your eyes open) being “slow”, being kind of shy and socially awkard, being a stoner, pussy, snitch, and retard. Obviously I hate to be called these names. Obviously it has an effect on how I live If I am being labeled and more importantly If I am labeling myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing others to try to tarnish my self image and name and self esteem with degrading nasty names

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others who label me. to play there game

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become shell shocked on the battlefield of labels and name calling

What I see is that if others are wasting there time labeling others. They dont have time to choose a word to live by becasue there not taking responsibility and perpetuating abuse to others and to themselves. To them hurting others is love is a relationship. How fucked up.

Judging myself as a “bad person”

So some of the things that make me feel like a bad person. This could get personal.

Owing money to someone, being “guilted” by others, dissapointing someone,being ignored/abandoned, being called a snitch,not taking the “appropriate action” sometimes drinking, smoking pot,being lazy, punishment, and not working makes me feel  bad

This shows the black and white thinking of my mind. Where my self image is either good or bad. Even if I have best of intentions, still i could feel like a bad person if the good intentions turn to hell.