Day 8 Calm

Redefining Calm: Finding the “place” where i can stop or slow down the “train of thoughts” A calm after the storm of emotion and feelings. To calm the waters so i may see clearly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when i research tyranny, slavery, and oppression to become worked up and feel angry within. Without using that anger to express what i think about injustice and mind control.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify myself as cool and calm

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live according to how others put me in a box

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put myself and others in a box

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress the opposite polarity of calm.. a “overstimulated nervous system” or “ego” “superego”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prefer calm and despise chaotic, rushed, and out on control

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe i am calm

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to “calm myself down” with positive and new age bullshit

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear getting lost in chaos

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress the things that trigger the crazy within myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to remain calm meanwhile there’s turmoil within. Such as hidden phobias.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the “crazy/ ego” within me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe ” I’m just trying to remain as calm as possible”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when i can’t calm myself down to cry or throw a fit

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to remain calm when there’s issue in a relationship

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the “calm personality construct” is life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the ” calm personality construct” is who i am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in agreements of calm personality construct being who i am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to present a cool personality construct to myself and “the world”…but suppress or hide my “hot-headed personality construct”

When and as i see myself going into ego mode i stop and breathe

When and as i see myself being possessed by the mind i stop and breathe

When and as i see myself going into hot header personality or cool personality i stop and breathe. and i know and realize neither is who i really am.

I commit myself to live the word clear

I commit myself to live the word clear-headedness

 

 

Day 7- Shyness Part 2

Shyness makes me feel unconformable and low self-esteem. It makes me feel inferior specifically to others and maybe other “alpha males” If someone i just meet is loud and boisterous. I may feel inhibited, hesitant, reserved,and like i want to get away. Shyness is like ice that needs to break to turn into water.. Its’ the breaking through of the crystalline structure of shyness. It’s only a character/personality construct.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold in my inner thoughts and feelings.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not speak up due to fear of others judging my voice

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be shy around women i imagine to be superior to me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from loud boisterous personalities. When in reality they are also within me. yet suppressed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cover my social self up with being conservative, calm, and reserved.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as handling myself by being polite and reserved not showing any sign of sexuality when inwardly there’s a lot of sexual suppression and desire

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold my expression back until its safe and the coast is clear. Meaning i have to be polite first i can’t just talk over people. I have to listen. It’s rude to just speak out loud.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel insecure socially when all i may need is some tools and pointers to support me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to carry the personality of being quiet and reserved…and when someone cracks the shell feel like i want to escape and i don’t want to feel what i feel. because it hurts.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt my self expression and my voice.

When and as i see myself feeling socially awkward. I stop and breathe. I realize talking is not a big deal…well it is…but thoughts that cross my mind are not really a big deal.

I commit myself to socialize.

I commit myself to express myself

I commit myself to not suppress my self expression

 

Day 6-Shyness

Shyness: the awkwardness  or apprehension some people feel when approaching or being approached by other people. I have been shy through most of my school years. Interesting point on many dimensions within myself. Part of the shyness has to do with my self image of my looks in particular my relationship with my ears. Which. If I’m honest I don’t really like.  I don’t want my ears to look different. But that’s the reality. I think this has a lot to do with my shyness and not wanting to be seen. For fear others will bring attention to it and even tease,bully, or verbally abuse me. It’s a tough point for me to look at and talk about..But even tougher to hold in. Of course this is only one aspect of my shyness. And others my whole life asking me about my ears probably contributed to extreme judgement and self consciousness where i shut down in front of strangers.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow others to identify me as shy and introverted. When in reality that was only a mask or what they saw.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear meeting new women

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my job,living, and financial situation isnt the best which hesitates me from meeting women and believing i could be a potential partner

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not like my ears

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not love my ears

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold in anger that my parents didn’t have doctor put cotton swabs behind my ears after birth to help shape my ears normally

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like an outsider because my ears are different.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that my ears are the reason i don’t have a partner.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think to people who are self conscious about petty things on there face “what are you complaining for?”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my ears as my worthiness where if i had normal ears i would be more worthy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare my ears to others and equate my ears with penis size.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to focus so much on my appearance and not who i am deep down inside.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid to face people look them in the face. and for them to see me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think others are talking about my ears behind my back

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself when i was a teenager to be pissed off at my “friend” and a women for when i drove them around to laugh about my ears behind my back. My friend encouraged me to confront him. Which i did but it was more of a wanting to fight approach.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think im ugly because of my ears. When if im honest with myself i don’t mind the way i look other than my ears.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to both want and fear attention.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold in the pain and rage of being teased about my ears…something i can’t change or have control over.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cut myself short because of my ears. WHen in reality i am capable of doing anything that i want or that other people do.

 

When and as i see myself going into self consciousness and anger toward people who have created hurt in my cellular memory about my ears i stop and breathe

I realize there is NOTHING i can do about my ears…but embrace them or run away from them. I don’t have the funds to do plastic surgery.

I commit myself to heal my wounded-ness of  being teased about my appearance.

 

 

Day 5 Going out to eat

I get this thing where when i go out i get tense and very self conscious. Especially when going out with my mom. I do alot of fidgeting and nervous movements when i feel im losing my ground and one of them is going out to eat.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the waiters

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being pushed or attacked by waiters

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear looking dumb in public so i talk fast and talk with a personality that trys to act smart or sophisticated

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold myself hostage to waiters happiness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel insecure and nervous when waiting for food when i’m hungry

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be in crabby mood when hungry and waiting for food in restaurant

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear groups of people having a good time in public when i’m waiting for food

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel uncomfortable and inhibited when out eating in public

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear waiters coming up behind me or on my blind side

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my anxiety and social anxiety in public to scare me and paralyze me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get lost in eating when around people

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become annoyed and sensitive when theres multiple things i feel i have to pay attention to

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pay attention to things until i drain myself

I commit myself to walk the words enjoy and enjoying the moment

I commit myself to enjoy going out to eat and to enjoy the moment and take my time eating

I commit myself to focus on the people im eating with rather than get lost in the food

Day 4 Stubbornness

The word that comes to me today is stubbornness.  According to astrology and the stars I am a “Taurus”  Highly characterized for stubbornness. Stubbornness definition: dogged determination not to change one’s attitude or position on something. I see some of that to be true. More prominently in my teenage years. Where I would learn to numb myself and do the opposite of what i as told. I also never listened to other people as a teenager. For example never listened to adults,elders,teachers,etc. I would often hold onto an attitude rather than cool down with breathing or exercise. Another similar word that comes up and one teacher “labeled” me as is passive aggressive. Passive Aggressive:  A defense mechanism that allows people who aren’t comfortable being openly aggressive get what they want under the guise of still trying to please others. They want there way,but still want everyone to still like them. Interesting…about wanting to get my way yet not step on anyone’s toes or hurt them. And not wanting confrontation and aggression.I see this to be true within myself. When i went to a off campus school i would use passive aggressiveness with the school systems strict rules of not swearing. and punishment with time outs. I would be a “smart ass” in school. Trying to be clever with teachers as if its a game. I would try to get back at them with clever arguments. Questioning there authority and rules they must follow. Looking to passive aggressively break the rules.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be stubborn to my own potential

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing passive aggressive behaviors and actions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to please others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my aggression

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing passivity to solve my problems

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be stubborn

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fight for my way

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use stubbornness as a defense mechanism to protect myself against being hurt or vulnerable

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worship my stubbornness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be openly aggressive in the fear i may hurt others or be seen as a hurtful person.

When and as i see myself going into passive aggressiveness or stubbornness i stop and breathe

I commit myself to not bullshit myself

I commit myself to investigate my stubbornness

I commit myself investigate my passive aggressiveness

 

 

 

 

Day 3 Stimulation

I often seek stimulation in the form of music, movies, addictions, masturbation, and eating.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to distract myself from being here and hearing what is here. And seeing what is here beyond my own two eyes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feed my overstimulated nervous system with “energy”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into inferiority about how i perceive other men competing with me trying to crush my reputation and me feeling inferior to “men” with girlfriends.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into fantasies to stimulate my mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to daydream about meeting a women and making out with her in a garden or in nature

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to subconsciously seek a women which is mother-like and nurtures me as such

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to subconsciously look for women who are troubled and or addicted to alcohol or drugs

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to gain power which makes women attracted to me. Not knowing that doing so is deceiving self and others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into images of me falling in love with a women of my dreams.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stimulate myself with alcohol

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experiment with drugs in the past

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in masturbation to images

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek stimulation in eating.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feed my neurosis and anxiety.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fantasize about making out with a women and seducing her in my imagination

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in fantasy’s of women since a child. Not knowing i separated myself from from without getting to know them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid to speak to women who i don’t know.

 

When and as i see myself going into fantasies about being with a women who i just meet and falling in love . I stop and breathe.

When and as i see myself feeding myself with energy through addictions i stop and breathe.

When and as i go into fantasies and romantic images of what i imagine love to be i stop and breathe.

When and as i feel inferior to other men i stop and breathe.

I commit myself to listen and hear and to others

I commit myself to be self honest with myself

I commit myself to love myself

I commit myself to end separation within myself

I commit myself to end divisiveness within myself

 

Day 2 Boredom

Boredom… Thats a emotional feeling that always seems to bring about trouble. As a child and teenager i would always or become unconscious/unstable when i felt bored of how i imagined i wanted things to be.The things i did in life that i regret were done with people in a state of boredom.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear commitment and self responsibility as me having “no life.”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not recreate myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be an asshole toward myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to sleep with strangers…without considering the consequences…and not considering getting to know that person for who they are inside.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not know what to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not know how to “love” a person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be too careful

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress this sexual demon system

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to listen to music about the war system

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be paralyzed and distracted  by anxiety and fear and what others think of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the things about my appearance i cant change.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that i cant control things

Self-Correction: I can’t control everything. Controlling doesn’t make me happy. I can rather seek discipline,self-direction, and being grounded. Self-acceptance of my appearance. Pushing through anxiety through getting out of mind. I can’t control what others think of me.Sf of the sexual demon system. Take risks. There is no “security safety.” Give to people what i think is lacking in the world.Giving is receiving.Decide what to do.Action steps.

I commit myself to at least 21 days of daily writing.

I commit myself to become more aware of my addiction to the thoughts of sleeping with strangers. and to think twice about the reality of it. About who i am.

When and as i see this sexual demon system come up. I stop and breathe and come back to the life in my body.

When and as I see myself not knowing what to do. I stop and breathe.

When and as i see myself thinking about the things about my self i cant change i stop and breathe

When and as i see myself thinking about the things i cant change in others i stop and breathe. i realize i have to accept the person who they are or suffer the consequences

When and as i see myself going into boredom i stop and breathe