Day 14 Dealing with Unfriendly Strangers

So today i went to grocery store to get fishing license renewed primarily. But then found myself very distracted by products. I was in a state of anxiety and unawareness and didn’t really want to be there but decided to take my time. I got the feeling people were moving fast and i was in the way. But why should i care if i’m in someones way. I’m a considerate person. But i can’t be hyper vigilant looking to not inconvenience a stranger. Besides what the fuck do I own them? So some guy just walks down the aisle i was in looking at various foods on both sides. And i don’t know i guess i was in his way and not paying attention. It wasn’t a big deal then he blurted out ” pick a side.which way are you going”? and i wanted to hurt him bad. But i remembered what I’ve learned about people in pain. And judged myself for not saying anything back as he walked away i just said “have a nice day” as if he wasn’t having one already. If he said something back i probably would’ve got very aggressive and maybe even start punching and swinging at his jaw. Taking control of him. It could’ve been bad with the adrenaline taking over.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate this guys guts because he was an old rude white man.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish i could say “you white devil” to the guy or  “demon”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that i did a good job by saying “have a nice day” rather than speaking death into the situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself in the past to think that punching someones face is the only solution to them being rude,disrespectful, or unfriendly

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing because of a few unfriendly strangers to project my anger onto other people like oh you guys want to fucking test me now and getting overly worked up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get overly worked up to the point of contemplating beating/killing/punishing a person over unfriendly remarks

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think “what if i was a big buff guy” people wouldn’t say all this unfriendly shit to me and think they could get away with it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself when i’m in a “soft” “passive state”and a unfriendly stranger provokes me. I make the excuse ” if only i was in a more aggressive state i wouldn’t let that happen. i would stand up to him”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dehumanize and absolutely fucking despise and hate unfriendly stranger wishing they died. Wishing i saw them die. and absolutely hating seeing a rude unfriendly stranger to people. To the point i wanna bludgeon them to death.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my “inner killer”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to fight or hurt everyone in the store because no one can stop unfriendly people

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to punch out older unfriendly rude especially rich “conservative-like” white men who are usually fathers or “father figures” who try to treat me how there fathers treated them. Who try to treat me with tough love. Who try to belittle me and such.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not like the word “tough love” and want to get myself out of the situation with men who treat me like such. Or make them suffer.

When and as i see myself recalling memories of unfriendly strangers i stop and breathe

When and as strangers are unfriendly to me i stop and breathe. And realize it’s a play and they are just good actors.

I commit myself to express my anger in a healthy way.

I commit myself to let go of violence but get it off my chest.

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