Day 20 Writers Block

It has been a while since I’ve written. Decide to push past the resistance and write. But I had a lot of writers “blocks” I couldn’t think of what to write about.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about the past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be paranoid of sharing myself on a blog.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust groups of people

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to chase this nostalgic feeling of friendship in my school daze

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be hesitant to find work because im going on vacation in 2 months or so

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give a fuck about things that i shouldn’t give a fuck about

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to run away from the point that life sucks

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not embrace the low points of the waves of emotions

I forgive myself  for not accepting and allowing myself to see,realize, and understand that a little bit goes a long way

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not claim myself as the director and creator of my life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wait until i have a girlfriend to live potential, adulthood, and openness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see and realize that i have to open up a point in order to write and elaborate on it.

When and as i see myself going into mistrust i stop and breathe.

When and as i see myself giving a fuck about things i should not give a fuck about i stop  and breathe

When and as i see myself going into overthinking i stop and breathe

When and as i see myself going into personalities or characters i stop and breathe

When and as i see the mind consciousness system lying i stop and breathe

 

Day 19 sexual energy around spiritual woman

So i have some points to look at within “sexual energy.” By sexual energy i mean sexualizing everything. I’m currently watching myself as i go into a fantasizing of spiritual women.A lot of images,feelings, and sensations toward a positive polarity high.I went to Buddhist retreat this weekend and found myself feeling this attraction toward a couple women and today this sexual energy going through the body. Now that i am home. I feel this addiction to want to be around women. I can’t help but like looking at women. With the warmer weather coming I can watch myself and my thoughts wander into sexual like fantasies of making “love” or romantic love to a women. Lately it’s to a spiritual women. It’s only natural. As i am “attracted” to like minded women.  I am turned on by spiritual women who meditate and love meditating with them. I am a bit shy at first but with enough feedback my ego can’t go a little overboard. It’s like the more women give me feedback the more i get more and more confident talking with them and being around them. Going into darker aspects of the spiritual ego as far as attracting women to my circle or cult. There is definitely thoughts that i judge as “dark” and “creepy” There was two women at the retreat who i briefly talked to and met. One of them had a accent and i just started getting high off of her basically. Her energy was very calming and i imagined like living with her and how healing i imagined her to be. I feel most comfortable talking to women especially at spiritual retreats.  It’s like if there’s women who i imagine to be single who are spiritual at a retreat. I become very content and don’t want to leave but be around them. There was a women wearing a outfit that i thought was “sexy” and i became very “stimulated” going into sexual thoughts. I have this point to look at about being attracted almost obsessed with a woman’s legs and lower body when they were shorts or revealing clothing. There’s like this intense sexual energy but it will end. And it doesnt’ want to really masturbate but rather because i am more comftorable with spiritual/buddhist women i want to actually continue to get to know them and see how “far” i can get with them so to speak. It’s not really that i want sex although i feel i need it it’s that i want to experience opening up a women mentally and getting to know her. I actually want to have sex with her spirit or soul. Like i want to have meditative sex with a women. Spiritual sex. After the retreat and today after meditation. I just noticed women around me wearing revealing clothing. I didn’t want to go home but stay around and look at women.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to chase this idea of me having spiritual sex with spiritual women

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into fantasies of making romantic love to spiritual women

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into sexual thoughts when i see spiritual women who revealing lower body, legs, or clothes

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that a woman’s legs are skin,flesh, bones,tendons,ligaments. muscles, and blood

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stimulate myself with thoughts of my flesh touching a spiritual woman’s flesh.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like i’m creepy for looking at womans legs

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make myself high off of woman’s legs and anatomy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress and repress my very intense sexual thoughts, romantic thoughts and feelings

I forgive myself fro accepting and allowing myself to become very motivated and content and high energy when i think there’s the possibility that i could get together hang out or tell a spiritual women i am interested in getting to know her. Even if i miscalculate things.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to love the comfort of imagining that i haven’t gotten to the point where i get to know a spiritual woman well and gently open up her mind to me. Even if it’s not in reality confirmed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive myself about meeting spiritual woman

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into imaginings of me kissing,making, out,touching, and making love to a spiritual woman. Going into fantasies of us being in love.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go crazy over a woman’s shaved legs and feel intense sexual feelings.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into romantic sexual thoughts of me making love to a women from the town i live in.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into thoughts of making love to European woman.

 

I see realize and understand that a woman’s legs/thighs is just flesh. Skin,anatomy,bones,muscles,blood.

When and as i see myself going into sexual feelings over spiritual woman who i meet i stop and breathe.

When and as i lose myself in the head of fantasies about woman i stop and breathe.

When and as i see myself going into stimulated thoughts when i see a woman’s legs and thighs i stop and breathe.

When and as i feel sexual energy surging through my body rushing to my brain i stop and breathe and slow down back to the physical.

 

 

 

day 18 my latest job

I started a temp job at a place that makes sauces. Had no expectations as most temp jobs are shitty. I was showed around the facility by manager then left alone in the kitchen like room where the kettles and sauces are mixed and packaged. there were about 12 people there in kitchen. ive learned a lot about myself and some skills. Everyone was in each others way. The majority of workers were mexican and spoke broken english. So even though i know basic spanish it was a a challenge and there was no a/c it was real hot. I felt sorry for the workers. They were the hardest workers i saw. We weren’t allowed to have beverages in the “kitchen”/kettle area. Which is not right because its fucking hot. What good is a dehydrated worker. the workers only got paid 10 dollars per hour. It was so loud at times that i was unable to even think straight or articulate. and it was very fast paced repetitive physical labor lifting basically not stop.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be so tired and exhausted i dont want to do anything which is okay because my body and back are beat

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to just want to get this sf over with. because im not comftorable physically. its hard to type and i  dont want to do it.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not breathe when things came up

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have no time for anything this week. Nor my family. just work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing other workers to act like they know me by saying your so quiet why are you so quiet. When i told them i am a quiet person.

i forgive myself fro accepting and allowing myself to view the people in the office as evil

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing mysefl to view the temp worker as ex convict untrustworthy, snakey, and con artist

When and as i see myself being judged labeled as quiet i stop and breathe.

Day 17 overtime

today was first day at new job. Wanted to work overtime but we got let out early. i usually never do overtime because i want to rush out of the place so i can go home and have my “life” back.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear overtime

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate over time

I forgive myself for accepting and allowng myself to think i cant do overtime

i forgive myself for acceptin gnad allowng myself to prefer comfort and laziness to hard work or effort

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being trapped i overtime

i forgive myself for acceopting and alowing myself to wake up this morning not wanting to go to work and to take a drug to take me away from the pain or end my life

i forgive myself for accepting anda llowng not enough time for daily sf with work schedule adn leisre activitivs

i forgive myself for accepting nad allowng mysefl to feel lonely and depressed at new job.

 

Day 16 Dealing with Social Anxiety

Ok. Here’s a big point for me. I don’t know if I have social anxiety or not. But at times i certainly feel socially awkward,shy, or inhibited in my self expression. Like when I’m around someone who talks loud about things i don’t know or don’t care about… or just can’t find rapport socially. I would add this is nor a personal issue but a Educational issue. As we’re not taught social and interpersonal skills like how to listen and validate in school. Nor do we learn at the work places. I don’t fully believe that I  “have”” social anxiety because it depends on numerous factors. If someone is boring then its not so much social anxiety as it is the desire to want to escape.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the correlation of low self esteem and social anxiety

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel inferior because of social anxiety

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing  myself to feel less intelligent because of social anxiety

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like i’m cursed because i have social anxiety

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as stupid when i have social anxiety

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be serious so the social anxiety is increased

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing others to invade my “boundaries” to make me socially awkward

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to fully heal the traumas that have led to social anxiety

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be controlled by fear of speaking and looking dumb

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when im around loud people to become passive and quiet not knowing what to do but be “polite” and listen when internally i’m struggling

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from the world how im suffering from social anxiety

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to control my social situations by appearing social to mask my insecurity

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear talking to stranger and expressing myself as if i need there permission

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like a hostage and prisoner when others are doing all the talking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think others are talking shit about me being socially awkward

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that social anxiety is almost a mental illness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent people who tell me ” why are you so quiet”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate that i can’t just express myself with ease.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate that it’s easier for me to write through communication than it is to articulate,formulate, and speak clearly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be embarrassed to speak in front of others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself and others to define me as “quiet” When in reality I am not quiet all the time. But when im mad at someone i may not talk out of protest to there behavior. We all have times where we’re quiet. Like when we lose a bet, our favorite team loses, someone dies.Why are we so afraid of silence?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid to be silent or quiet

 

When and as i see myself getting nervous about meeting people i stop and breathe. I slow down and ground down.

I commit myself to write out my social anxiety points.

 

Day 15- My relationship with women in the past

I’ve not had much experience dating women. As a teen I came close to having a girlfriend i met online but we didn’t have cars so it was hard to meet. I said something about her and my friend told her. it wasn’t nice…so that kind of ruined it. But we did meet. I listened to her life story and was there for her when her brother passed…but we were young and dumb.During high school I started hanging out with a coworker we would party together and get trashed. People around me asked if she was my girlfriend…To which i said yes. People at work knew. Our relationship only lasted as long as i worked there. I’m thankful for the experience although the women is not and will never be good for me. I will say that people treated me a lot different and i got a lot of attention and invites to parties but probably just because they thought maybe they could get something from her. After that. I’d meet some women and even ones that have mutual friends. But it would basically go no further than us hanging out and me getting friend zoned. One showed interest at first but when i assumed she was interested she made excuse.There were a couple women whom i was interested in but no more than kissing with one. I’ve been through the phase of wanting to sleep with strangers. I’m at the point where i want a girlfriend.  One that is “good” for me. What i mean by that is a women with a good head on her shoulders. There were some spiritual church/yoga women i was interested in in the past. One of them i let know that i was interested. And she said she wants to be friends.

But it felt good just being honest with her about how i feel. Another from yoga really liked me however i was not attracted to her and she lives long distance. We said we were bf and gf for a while. But self honestly it was not true love. I also would like to meet women and just be friends. So I can have a more solid relationship with women.  What’s important is for me to at least talk to women.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for women through drinking,drugs, and partying

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be around women that are not good for me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow my lust and my dick

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to in the past hang out with a women who strips at parties

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tolerate a drunk girlfriend

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to settle for less with women in the past

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be mad i couldn’t “get” women who i met and was interested in yoga

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sexual toward spiritual women

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel lustful toward nature loving women

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be interested in women who have inner childhood wounds and parental issues

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stop myself when i get friend zoned and go into negative self talk

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing insecurity to control me as far as what i think i’m capable of when meeting women

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not have a solid foundation of friendship with women

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself when i have lustful thoughts of my women friends.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get down on myself about being single for a while and feel very depressed about not having a gf

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sorry for myself for not having a girlfriend and even many women whom im interested in to talk to

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put a women im interested ins bf on a pedestal and in the past to want to become like him.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself for past relationship failures

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that women hate me

When and as i see myself going into lustful thoughts toward women friends i stop and breathe. I realize i don’t want to sabotage relationship agreements based on uncontrollable desires and lust

When and as i see myself going into negative self talk about my relationship with women I stop and breathe

When and as i see myself go into negative self talk about my appearance…in particular my ears…i stop and breathe.

When and as i see myself thinking im not man enough i stop and breathe.

I commit myself to see my i am enoughness

Day 14 Dealing with Unfriendly Strangers

So today i went to grocery store to get fishing license renewed primarily. But then found myself very distracted by products. I was in a state of anxiety and unawareness and didn’t really want to be there but decided to take my time. I got the feeling people were moving fast and i was in the way. But why should i care if i’m in someones way. I’m a considerate person. But i can’t be hyper vigilant looking to not inconvenience a stranger. Besides what the fuck do I own them? So some guy just walks down the aisle i was in looking at various foods on both sides. And i don’t know i guess i was in his way and not paying attention. It wasn’t a big deal then he blurted out ” pick a side.which way are you going”? and i wanted to hurt him bad. But i remembered what I’ve learned about people in pain. And judged myself for not saying anything back as he walked away i just said “have a nice day” as if he wasn’t having one already. If he said something back i probably would’ve got very aggressive and maybe even start punching and swinging at his jaw. Taking control of him. It could’ve been bad with the adrenaline taking over.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate this guys guts because he was an old rude white man.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish i could say “you white devil” to the guy or  “demon”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that i did a good job by saying “have a nice day” rather than speaking death into the situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself in the past to think that punching someones face is the only solution to them being rude,disrespectful, or unfriendly

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing because of a few unfriendly strangers to project my anger onto other people like oh you guys want to fucking test me now and getting overly worked up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get overly worked up to the point of contemplating beating/killing/punishing a person over unfriendly remarks

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think “what if i was a big buff guy” people wouldn’t say all this unfriendly shit to me and think they could get away with it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself when i’m in a “soft” “passive state”and a unfriendly stranger provokes me. I make the excuse ” if only i was in a more aggressive state i wouldn’t let that happen. i would stand up to him”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dehumanize and absolutely fucking despise and hate unfriendly stranger wishing they died. Wishing i saw them die. and absolutely hating seeing a rude unfriendly stranger to people. To the point i wanna bludgeon them to death.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my “inner killer”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to fight or hurt everyone in the store because no one can stop unfriendly people

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to punch out older unfriendly rude especially rich “conservative-like” white men who are usually fathers or “father figures” who try to treat me how there fathers treated them. Who try to treat me with tough love. Who try to belittle me and such.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not like the word “tough love” and want to get myself out of the situation with men who treat me like such. Or make them suffer.

When and as i see myself recalling memories of unfriendly strangers i stop and breathe

When and as strangers are unfriendly to me i stop and breathe. And realize it’s a play and they are just good actors.

I commit myself to express my anger in a healthy way.

I commit myself to let go of violence but get it off my chest.