day 18 my latest job

I started a temp job at a place that makes sauces. Had no expectations as most temp jobs are shitty. I was showed around the facility by manager then left alone in the kitchen like room where the kettles and sauces are mixed and packaged. there were about 12 people there in kitchen. ive learned a lot about myself and some skills. Everyone was in each others way. The majority of workers were mexican and spoke broken english. So even though i know basic spanish it was a a challenge and there was no a/c it was real hot. I felt sorry for the workers. They were the hardest workers i saw. We weren’t allowed to have beverages in the “kitchen”/kettle area. Which is not right because its fucking hot. What good is a dehydrated worker. the workers only got paid 10 dollars per hour. It was so loud at times that i was unable to even think straight or articulate. and it was very fast paced repetitive physical labor lifting basically not stop.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be so tired and exhausted i dont want to do anything which is okay because my body and back are beat

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to just want to get this sf over with. because im not comftorable physically. its hard to type and i  dont want to do it.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not breathe when things came up

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have no time for anything this week. Nor my family. just work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing other workers to act like they know me by saying your so quiet why are you so quiet. When i told them i am a quiet person.

i forgive myself fro accepting and allowing myself to view the people in the office as evil

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing mysefl to view the temp worker as ex convict untrustworthy, snakey, and con artist

When and as i see myself being judged labeled as quiet i stop and breathe.

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Day 17 overtime

today was first day at new job. Wanted to work overtime but we got let out early. i usually never do overtime because i want to rush out of the place so i can go home and have my “life” back.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear overtime

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate over time

I forgive myself for accepting and allowng myself to think i cant do overtime

i forgive myself for acceptin gnad allowng myself to prefer comfort and laziness to hard work or effort

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being trapped i overtime

i forgive myself for acceopting and alowing myself to wake up this morning not wanting to go to work and to take a drug to take me away from the pain or end my life

i forgive myself for accepting anda llowng not enough time for daily sf with work schedule adn leisre activitivs

i forgive myself for accepting nad allowng mysefl to feel lonely and depressed at new job.

 

Day 16 Dealing with Social Anxiety

Ok. Here’s a big point for me. I don’t know if I have social anxiety or not. But at times i certainly feel socially awkward,shy, or inhibited in my self expression. Like when I’m around someone who talks loud about things i don’t know or don’t care about… or just can’t find rapport socially. I would add this is nor a personal issue but a Educational issue. As we’re not taught social and interpersonal skills like how to listen and validate in school. Nor do we learn at the work places. I don’t fully believe that I  “have”” social anxiety because it depends on numerous factors. If someone is boring then its not so much social anxiety as it is the desire to want to escape.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the correlation of low self esteem and social anxiety

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel inferior because of social anxiety

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing  myself to feel less intelligent because of social anxiety

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like i’m cursed because i have social anxiety

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as stupid when i have social anxiety

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be serious so the social anxiety is increased

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing others to invade my “boundaries” to make me socially awkward

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to fully heal the traumas that have led to social anxiety

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be controlled by fear of speaking and looking dumb

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when im around loud people to become passive and quiet not knowing what to do but be “polite” and listen when internally i’m struggling

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from the world how im suffering from social anxiety

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to control my social situations by appearing social to mask my insecurity

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear talking to stranger and expressing myself as if i need there permission

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like a hostage and prisoner when others are doing all the talking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think others are talking shit about me being socially awkward

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that social anxiety is almost a mental illness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent people who tell me ” why are you so quiet”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate that i can’t just express myself with ease.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate that it’s easier for me to write through communication than it is to articulate,formulate, and speak clearly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be embarrassed to speak in front of others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself and others to define me as “quiet” When in reality I am not quiet all the time. But when im mad at someone i may not talk out of protest to there behavior. We all have times where we’re quiet. Like when we lose a bet, our favorite team loses, someone dies.Why are we so afraid of silence?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid to be silent or quiet

 

When and as i see myself getting nervous about meeting people i stop and breathe. I slow down and ground down.

I commit myself to write out my social anxiety points.

 

Day 15- My relationship with women in the past

I’ve not had much experience dating women. As a teen I came close to having a girlfriend i met online but we didn’t have cars so it was hard to meet. I said something about her and my friend told her. it wasn’t nice…so that kind of ruined it. But we did meet. I listened to her life story and was there for her when her brother passed…but we were young and dumb.During high school I started hanging out with a coworker we would party together and get trashed. People around me asked if she was my girlfriend…To which i said yes. People at work knew. Our relationship only lasted as long as i worked there. I’m thankful for the experience although the women is not and will never be good for me. I will say that people treated me a lot different and i got a lot of attention and invites to parties but probably just because they thought maybe they could get something from her. After that. I’d meet some women and even ones that have mutual friends. But it would basically go no further than us hanging out and me getting friend zoned. One showed interest at first but when i assumed she was interested she made excuse.There were a couple women whom i was interested in but no more than kissing with one. I’ve been through the phase of wanting to sleep with strangers. I’m at the point where i want a girlfriend.  One that is “good” for me. What i mean by that is a women with a good head on her shoulders. There were some spiritual church/yoga women i was interested in in the past. One of them i let know that i was interested. And she said she wants to be friends.

But it felt good just being honest with her about how i feel. Another from yoga really liked me however i was not attracted to her and she lives long distance. We said we were bf and gf for a while. But self honestly it was not true love. I also would like to meet women and just be friends. So I can have a more solid relationship with women.  What’s important is for me to at least talk to women.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for women through drinking,drugs, and partying

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be around women that are not good for me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow my lust and my dick

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to in the past hang out with a women who strips at parties

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tolerate a drunk girlfriend

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to settle for less with women in the past

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be mad i couldn’t “get” women who i met and was interested in yoga

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sexual toward spiritual women

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel lustful toward nature loving women

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be interested in women who have inner childhood wounds and parental issues

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stop myself when i get friend zoned and go into negative self talk

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing insecurity to control me as far as what i think i’m capable of when meeting women

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not have a solid foundation of friendship with women

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself when i have lustful thoughts of my women friends.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get down on myself about being single for a while and feel very depressed about not having a gf

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sorry for myself for not having a girlfriend and even many women whom im interested in to talk to

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put a women im interested ins bf on a pedestal and in the past to want to become like him.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself for past relationship failures

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that women hate me

When and as i see myself going into lustful thoughts toward women friends i stop and breathe. I realize i don’t want to sabotage relationship agreements based on uncontrollable desires and lust

When and as i see myself going into negative self talk about my relationship with women I stop and breathe

When and as i see myself go into negative self talk about my appearance…in particular my ears…i stop and breathe.

When and as i see myself thinking im not man enough i stop and breathe.

I commit myself to see my i am enoughness

Day 14 Dealing with Unfriendly Strangers

So today i went to grocery store to get fishing license renewed primarily. But then found myself very distracted by products. I was in a state of anxiety and unawareness and didn’t really want to be there but decided to take my time. I got the feeling people were moving fast and i was in the way. But why should i care if i’m in someones way. I’m a considerate person. But i can’t be hyper vigilant looking to not inconvenience a stranger. Besides what the fuck do I own them? So some guy just walks down the aisle i was in looking at various foods on both sides. And i don’t know i guess i was in his way and not paying attention. It wasn’t a big deal then he blurted out ” pick a side.which way are you going”? and i wanted to hurt him bad. But i remembered what I’ve learned about people in pain. And judged myself for not saying anything back as he walked away i just said “have a nice day” as if he wasn’t having one already. If he said something back i probably would’ve got very aggressive and maybe even start punching and swinging at his jaw. Taking control of him. It could’ve been bad with the adrenaline taking over.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate this guys guts because he was an old rude white man.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish i could say “you white devil” to the guy or  “demon”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that i did a good job by saying “have a nice day” rather than speaking death into the situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself in the past to think that punching someones face is the only solution to them being rude,disrespectful, or unfriendly

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing because of a few unfriendly strangers to project my anger onto other people like oh you guys want to fucking test me now and getting overly worked up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get overly worked up to the point of contemplating beating/killing/punishing a person over unfriendly remarks

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think “what if i was a big buff guy” people wouldn’t say all this unfriendly shit to me and think they could get away with it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself when i’m in a “soft” “passive state”and a unfriendly stranger provokes me. I make the excuse ” if only i was in a more aggressive state i wouldn’t let that happen. i would stand up to him”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dehumanize and absolutely fucking despise and hate unfriendly stranger wishing they died. Wishing i saw them die. and absolutely hating seeing a rude unfriendly stranger to people. To the point i wanna bludgeon them to death.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my “inner killer”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to fight or hurt everyone in the store because no one can stop unfriendly people

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to punch out older unfriendly rude especially rich “conservative-like” white men who are usually fathers or “father figures” who try to treat me how there fathers treated them. Who try to treat me with tough love. Who try to belittle me and such.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not like the word “tough love” and want to get myself out of the situation with men who treat me like such. Or make them suffer.

When and as i see myself recalling memories of unfriendly strangers i stop and breathe

When and as strangers are unfriendly to me i stop and breathe. And realize it’s a play and they are just good actors.

I commit myself to express my anger in a healthy way.

I commit myself to let go of violence but get it off my chest.

Day 13 Arguments

Right now i hear my dad arguing on the phone. It has brought up some uncomfortable feelings in my solar plexus,throat, lower abdomen and torso area. Some feelings of fear. The fear of him snapping. I  see this within myself. Where there is this vicious seriousness within me. I am feeling fear. Arguments are based on a starting point of fear. Fear of being inferior of losing of being wrong.misunderstood.etc

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear two people arguing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear verbal venom being spewed and judge it as ugly

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think mentally to my dad “just drop it isn’t worth it.” But i don’t know who hes speaking with or the reason.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear two people arguing will turn into violence or verbal violence

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to argue

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine that an argument will turn into violence. Or assume it i will.To someone getting hurt

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear someone getting hurt through argument

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine i interject the argument and play the role of the peacemaker

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself when i hear arguments for it to trigger the seriousness within me and not see the play and act of arguments. The drama play.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play the role of tragedy and drama

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the person my dads arguing with even though i don’t know him or never will

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like a bad person when two people argue.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel uncomfortable and want to run from arguments

 

When and as i see two people in a argument i stop and breathe

When and  as i see or hear my dad arguing on the phone i stop and breathe

When and as i see myself going into drama roles i stop and breathe.

 

 

 

Day 12 Mistakes

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear making mistakes

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into black and white thinking if i make a mistake

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget to work with playfulness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear older white men being verbally aggressive with me about my work

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify myself with mistakes and past failures

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to beat myself up when i start making mistakes

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear toxic emotions in other men at work “toward” me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not work on the words people have called me..So that the words do not affect me anymore. But eventually help me.

i forgive myself for accepting ad allowing myself to judge myself as being bad if i make a mistake. As if I’m hurting other people by making mistakes by pissing them off.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid to piss off people. When in reality i am not trying to piss them off.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that if i piss someone off. To play with that. Rather than becoming serious and miserable. Therefore I commit myself to if i piss someone off to have fun or play with it. To play with the words for example. After all comedy is based on pissed off people not getting there way. I’ve had it done to me repetitively…If I’m pissed off people keep poking at it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go to the point of madness when judging myself after making mistakes

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate older white men because of some memories I’ve had of them being verbally aggressive or abusive with me. And I reacting by taking myself seriously. Rather than a play.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold my incompleteness of trade college againt myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think just because i failed a class I can’t still try to pass state board exam

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell myself im a failure because i didn’t pass practice test to take state board exam.

Therefore i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if i’m pissed off and others poke at me I should do it to them

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to tease people and bring humor or use humor as a healing way for conflict of pissed off people. To not take ourselves so seriously

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when people get pissed off to begin taking myself so seriously. rather than playful. I lose my playfulness so to speak.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not make best of whats here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see mistakes as a learning Process.Not an event. or and end result.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that mistakes are a part of being human.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself if i make a mistake in a structured social setting such as work or martial arts class to belittle myself with judgment and get angry at myself.

When and as i see myself or judge myself making a mistake i stop and breathe.

When and as i see myself thinking about mistakes I did in past. I realize i can’t change the best but make the best of whats here.

When and as i find myself going into memories of older male white men getting verbally aggressive with me or physically with there facial expression, eye expression, and tone of voice.

When and as i see myself going into anger about older white men that i assume are dicks i stop and breathe.

When I go into black and white thinking after making a mistake I stop and breathe.

When and as i see myself going into memories of older white men spewing verbal venom at me I stop and breathe. Or in the present tense. For breathe is the power that will take me away from doing something that i regret.Rather that lashing out if an arrow penetrates my heart.

When and as i go into critical thinking about my mortuary college practice test.I stop and breathe.

I commit myself to see mistakes as opportunity.

I commit myself to see the “play” in the characters

I commit myself to turn seriousness into a joke. and mistakes into learning opportunities.