Day 3- Nature

I recently did a youtube video on Nature being the foundation of my authenticity and relations. Being out in nature I can forget my worries,fears, and anxieties and air out my “mental frame” Nature is our teacher. Nature isn’t prejudice or judging. We feel accepted and nurtured by nature.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make excuses to not go out into the forest of nature.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to isolate myself from nature for fear of being attacked out in public.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disconnect/dissociate from my true authentic “nature.”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose touch with the “mother” earth and “my” mother as well as my “inner mother”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose touch disconnect fragment from my inner feminine

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse my inner nature.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pollute/corrupt/sacrifice/kill my inner nature.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to steal from the earth and nature.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be natural.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be artificial/

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about using women for sex

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be fucked up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate,use,abuse, and fuck myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be fucked.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to deceive nature and woman.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be naked.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that man and women shit piss,cum,fart,drool,and bleed and all all ugly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be nauseated

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want women to give me sex

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want  to “fuck” women

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rape the earth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give back.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail protecting the earth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in this shit and pollution.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in misogyny.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in “sins”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abandon my relations with trees

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to neglect not grow my relations with the earth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my relations with gender.

 

I commit myself to walk the word authentic

When and as I see myself feeling nauseated I stop and breathe.

 

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Day 2-Retro Video Game Console Obsession

Since I was a young boy I always was obsessed with toys. However they drained me too. I developed a obsession at a young age with objects involving  action figures,ice cream trucks, legos, castles, and toy trains and cars. I remember listening to the cars go by as a child. Not understanding the money system why “life” just seems to be “passing cars” and people in cars trying to get to their next destination. A little off topic perhaps. So recently ive been considering and contemplating about buying a video game system. One in which I never “had” or “owned” I’ve been obsessing about this console for the past couple days. Going into a fantasy world of imagining fantasy type games.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to obsess over buying a retro game console and retro gamrd

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to like have orgasms over imagining playing these retro games

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose control when im bored and nearly purchase consoles and games i cant afford.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become addicted to my new computer tower.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act in obsessive compulsive nervous ways around technology my cellphone, pc, and imagining playing video games

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that purchasing this console will magically like “change my aura”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be scared of becoming too lazy playing video games and being on pc and my cellphone

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compulsively check on facebook and instagram for “attractive” women to like there posts while not talking to them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear video games ,tv shows, and movies will hypnotize me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid tv and movies is controlling my brain.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into mind projections of collecting these retro games

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into obsessive repetitive thoughts of screenshots of these game the game covers and japanese imported games and consoles

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to play video games all day and do nothing.

 

When and as i see myself going into obsession of this retro game console i stop and breathe.

Day 1- Starting Over

I have broken my commitment to 21 days writing every day. I have been busy and when i do work,I find myself too tired to reflect and write.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be too tired and emotionally “sponged” to want to face myself and undo with self forgiveness statements

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be lazy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not even try, start, or ask.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise asking questions with fear of rejection,punishment, or humiliation. and feeling like im stupid.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to break myself down rather than build myself up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like a “bad” friend, cousin, and son.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not tell my mom i love you

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid to show love from my mom…probably due to peer pressure and being cool not allowed to say i love you to parents.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to withdraw love from my mom during junior high years and become cold hearted

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be good at giving back to my parents and supporting them financially.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not tell my dad i love you

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself not to know how to love people or be a friend or talk to people

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be ashamed of myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad and lonely and antisocial

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be anti social

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make things harder than they really are and thus drain and frustrate myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I CAN’t do anything or whatever i want

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate work and hate workers

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be able to tolerate a worker and resign because of them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate going to new jobs with new people and see new clicks.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when i go to new jobs to say fuck you in my head to everyone as a defense mechanism that they wont judge me or try to “fuck” with me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to “have” to high paced physical jobs to be able to survive and if i dont like it for feeling like im doomed if i leave for feeling like a quitter/loser/weakling

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become very tired daily.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself when im rock bottom to not want to speak to anyone or do anything again like i protest against everything.

 

When and as i see myself going into self sabotage. I stop and breathe.

When and as i see myself going into antisocial thoughts i stop and breathe.

When and as i see myself getting emotional and sad I stop and breathe.

When and as i see myself comparing myself to others i stop and breathe

Day 20 Writers Block

It has been a while since I’ve written. Decide to push past the resistance and write. But I had a lot of writers “blocks” I couldn’t think of what to write about.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about the past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be paranoid of sharing myself on a blog.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust groups of people

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to chase this nostalgic feeling of friendship in my school daze

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be hesitant to find work because im going on vacation in 2 months or so

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give a fuck about things that i shouldn’t give a fuck about

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to run away from the point that life sucks

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not embrace the low points of the waves of emotions

I forgive myself  for not accepting and allowing myself to see,realize, and understand that a little bit goes a long way

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not claim myself as the director and creator of my life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wait until i have a girlfriend to live potential, adulthood, and openness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see and realize that i have to open up a point in order to write and elaborate on it.

When and as i see myself going into mistrust i stop and breathe.

When and as i see myself giving a fuck about things i should not give a fuck about i stop  and breathe

When and as i see myself going into overthinking i stop and breathe

When and as i see myself going into personalities or characters i stop and breathe

When and as i see the mind consciousness system lying i stop and breathe

 

Day 19 sexual energy around spiritual woman

So i have some points to look at within “sexual energy.” By sexual energy i mean sexualizing everything. I’m currently watching myself as i go into a fantasizing of spiritual women.A lot of images,feelings, and sensations toward a positive polarity high.I went to Buddhist retreat this weekend and found myself feeling this attraction toward a couple women and today this sexual energy going through the body. Now that i am home. I feel this addiction to want to be around women. I can’t help but like looking at women. With the warmer weather coming I can watch myself and my thoughts wander into sexual like fantasies of making “love” or romantic love to a women. Lately it’s to a spiritual women. It’s only natural. As i am “attracted” to like minded women.  I am turned on by spiritual women who meditate and love meditating with them. I am a bit shy at first but with enough feedback my ego can’t go a little overboard. It’s like the more women give me feedback the more i get more and more confident talking with them and being around them. Going into darker aspects of the spiritual ego as far as attracting women to my circle or cult. There is definitely thoughts that i judge as “dark” and “creepy” There was two women at the retreat who i briefly talked to and met. One of them had a accent and i just started getting high off of her basically. Her energy was very calming and i imagined like living with her and how healing i imagined her to be. I feel most comfortable talking to women especially at spiritual retreats.  It’s like if there’s women who i imagine to be single who are spiritual at a retreat. I become very content and don’t want to leave but be around them. There was a women wearing a outfit that i thought was “sexy” and i became very “stimulated” going into sexual thoughts. I have this point to look at about being attracted almost obsessed with a woman’s legs and lower body when they were shorts or revealing clothing. There’s like this intense sexual energy but it will end. And it doesnt’ want to really masturbate but rather because i am more comftorable with spiritual/buddhist women i want to actually continue to get to know them and see how “far” i can get with them so to speak. It’s not really that i want sex although i feel i need it it’s that i want to experience opening up a women mentally and getting to know her. I actually want to have sex with her spirit or soul. Like i want to have meditative sex with a women. Spiritual sex. After the retreat and today after meditation. I just noticed women around me wearing revealing clothing. I didn’t want to go home but stay around and look at women.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to chase this idea of me having spiritual sex with spiritual women

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into fantasies of making romantic love to spiritual women

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into sexual thoughts when i see spiritual women who revealing lower body, legs, or clothes

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that a woman’s legs are skin,flesh, bones,tendons,ligaments. muscles, and blood

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stimulate myself with thoughts of my flesh touching a spiritual woman’s flesh.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like i’m creepy for looking at womans legs

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make myself high off of woman’s legs and anatomy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress and repress my very intense sexual thoughts, romantic thoughts and feelings

I forgive myself fro accepting and allowing myself to become very motivated and content and high energy when i think there’s the possibility that i could get together hang out or tell a spiritual women i am interested in getting to know her. Even if i miscalculate things.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to love the comfort of imagining that i haven’t gotten to the point where i get to know a spiritual woman well and gently open up her mind to me. Even if it’s not in reality confirmed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive myself about meeting spiritual woman

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into imaginings of me kissing,making, out,touching, and making love to a spiritual woman. Going into fantasies of us being in love.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go crazy over a woman’s shaved legs and feel intense sexual feelings.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into romantic sexual thoughts of me making love to a women from the town i live in.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into thoughts of making love to European woman.

 

I see realize and understand that a woman’s legs/thighs is just flesh. Skin,anatomy,bones,muscles,blood.

When and as i see myself going into sexual feelings over spiritual woman who i meet i stop and breathe.

When and as i lose myself in the head of fantasies about woman i stop and breathe.

When and as i see myself going into stimulated thoughts when i see a woman’s legs and thighs i stop and breathe.

When and as i feel sexual energy surging through my body rushing to my brain i stop and breathe and slow down back to the physical.

 

 

 

day 18 my latest job

I started a temp job at a place that makes sauces. Had no expectations as most temp jobs are shitty. I was showed around the facility by manager then left alone in the kitchen like room where the kettles and sauces are mixed and packaged. there were about 12 people there in kitchen. ive learned a lot about myself and some skills. Everyone was in each others way. The majority of workers were mexican and spoke broken english. So even though i know basic spanish it was a a challenge and there was no a/c it was real hot. I felt sorry for the workers. They were the hardest workers i saw. We weren’t allowed to have beverages in the “kitchen”/kettle area. Which is not right because its fucking hot. What good is a dehydrated worker. the workers only got paid 10 dollars per hour. It was so loud at times that i was unable to even think straight or articulate. and it was very fast paced repetitive physical labor lifting basically not stop.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be so tired and exhausted i dont want to do anything which is okay because my body and back are beat

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to just want to get this sf over with. because im not comftorable physically. its hard to type and i  dont want to do it.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not breathe when things came up

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have no time for anything this week. Nor my family. just work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing other workers to act like they know me by saying your so quiet why are you so quiet. When i told them i am a quiet person.

i forgive myself fro accepting and allowing myself to view the people in the office as evil

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing mysefl to view the temp worker as ex convict untrustworthy, snakey, and con artist

When and as i see myself being judged labeled as quiet i stop and breathe.

Day 17 overtime

today was first day at new job. Wanted to work overtime but we got let out early. i usually never do overtime because i want to rush out of the place so i can go home and have my “life” back.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear overtime

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate over time

I forgive myself for accepting and allowng myself to think i cant do overtime

i forgive myself for acceptin gnad allowng myself to prefer comfort and laziness to hard work or effort

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being trapped i overtime

i forgive myself for acceopting and alowing myself to wake up this morning not wanting to go to work and to take a drug to take me away from the pain or end my life

i forgive myself for accepting anda llowng not enough time for daily sf with work schedule adn leisre activitivs

i forgive myself for accepting nad allowng mysefl to feel lonely and depressed at new job.