Day 13 Arguments

Right now i hear my dad arguing on the phone. It has brought up some uncomfortable feelings in my solar plexus,throat, lower abdomen and torso area. Some feelings of fear. The fear of him snapping. I  see this within myself. Where there is this vicious seriousness within me. I am feeling fear. Arguments are based on a starting point of fear. Fear of being inferior of losing of being wrong.misunderstood.etc

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear two people arguing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear verbal venom being spewed and judge it as ugly

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think mentally to my dad “just drop it isn’t worth it.” But i don’t know who hes speaking with or the reason.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear two people arguing will turn into violence or verbal violence

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to argue

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine that an argument will turn into violence. Or assume it i will.To someone getting hurt

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear someone getting hurt through argument

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine i interject the argument and play the role of the peacemaker

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself when i hear arguments for it to trigger the seriousness within me and not see the play and act of arguments. The drama play.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play the role of tragedy and drama

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the person my dads arguing with even though i don’t know him or never will

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like a bad person when two people argue.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel uncomfortable and want to run from arguments

 

When and as i see two people in a argument i stop and breathe

When and  as i see or hear my dad arguing on the phone i stop and breathe

When and as i see myself going into drama roles i stop and breathe.

 

 

 

Day 12 Mistakes

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear making mistakes

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into black and white thinking if i make a mistake

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget to work with playfulness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear older white men being verbally aggressive with me about my work

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify myself with mistakes and past failures

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to beat myself up when i start making mistakes

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear toxic emotions in other men at work “toward” me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not work on the words people have called me..So that the words do not affect me anymore. But eventually help me.

i forgive myself for accepting ad allowing myself to judge myself as being bad if i make a mistake. As if I’m hurting other people by making mistakes by pissing them off.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid to piss off people. When in reality i am not trying to piss them off.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that if i piss someone off. To play with that. Rather than becoming serious and miserable. Therefore I commit myself to if i piss someone off to have fun or play with it. To play with the words for example. After all comedy is based on pissed off people not getting there way. I’ve had it done to me repetitively…If I’m pissed off people keep poking at it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go to the point of madness when judging myself after making mistakes

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate older white men because of some memories I’ve had of them being verbally aggressive or abusive with me. And I reacting by taking myself seriously. Rather than a play.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold my incompleteness of trade college againt myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think just because i failed a class I can’t still try to pass state board exam

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell myself im a failure because i didn’t pass practice test to take state board exam.

Therefore i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if i’m pissed off and others poke at me I should do it to them

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to tease people and bring humor or use humor as a healing way for conflict of pissed off people. To not take ourselves so seriously

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when people get pissed off to begin taking myself so seriously. rather than playful. I lose my playfulness so to speak.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not make best of whats here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see mistakes as a learning Process.Not an event. or and end result.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that mistakes are a part of being human.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself if i make a mistake in a structured social setting such as work or martial arts class to belittle myself with judgment and get angry at myself.

When and as i see myself or judge myself making a mistake i stop and breathe.

When and as i see myself thinking about mistakes I did in past. I realize i can’t change the best but make the best of whats here.

When and as i find myself going into memories of older male white men getting verbally aggressive with me or physically with there facial expression, eye expression, and tone of voice.

When and as i see myself going into anger about older white men that i assume are dicks i stop and breathe.

When I go into black and white thinking after making a mistake I stop and breathe.

When and as i see myself going into memories of older white men spewing verbal venom at me I stop and breathe. Or in the present tense. For breathe is the power that will take me away from doing something that i regret.Rather that lashing out if an arrow penetrates my heart.

When and as i go into critical thinking about my mortuary college practice test.I stop and breathe.

I commit myself to see mistakes as opportunity.

I commit myself to see the “play” in the characters

I commit myself to turn seriousness into a joke. and mistakes into learning opportunities.

Day 11 Underestimating myself

It’s like underestimating myself is a false sense of value. An inability to see my worth and potential. As well as my purpose clearly. In the past doubting myself and my words. Not realizing words have power and consequences. Underestimating myself is similar to another point where i focus too much on what others think of me like my appearance. Always quick to show you my limitations or faults.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to underestimate myself and my abilities

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to underestimate myself by comparing myself to others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to underestimate doing yoga

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to underestimate life and death

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to underestimate myself when learning new martial art

When and as i see myself underestimating myself by comparing myself to others i stop and breathe.

When and as i see myself underestimating myself i stop and breathe.

When and as i see myself being hard on myself i stop and breathe.

When and as i see myself underestimating my ability to meet new women i stop and breathe

I commit myself to find my value

I commit myself to see my beauty

I commit myself to see my purpose

 

Day 10 -Conflict with others

Conflict to me is a form of opposition or polarity with two “separate” people. It can be external or internal. Conflict is generally not a pleasant thing for me. Something that i try to avoid at all costs externally. But there is conflict and opposition within. Which is triggered by things like politics, divided, people, and religion,etc. For me internal conflict shows up in the form of being indecisive and changing my mind. It can show up as me hearing lets say two different principles but they contradict each other. One says spirituality is good one bad. One says friendliness is good and the other says ” fuck everyone”  Externally I’ve had conflict. between “yoga corporate people” and myself. I don’t like when people tell em what to do or correct me. For example there is conflict between what I’ve learned so far which is probably just the tip of the iceberg about desteni and its principles. But those principles and the principles of yoga for example contradict each other. I have time finding a common ground.. a place of no black and white thinking. Like Desteni says that the mind consciousness system is the problem. From my understanding…. and that meditation or receiving energy is actually feeding the mind consciousness system.  So I start judging others who practice the yoga i practiced as ” there feeding the mind consciousness system. They don’t know what i know.People are starving. Men are being emasculated, Children raped, Brutality is rampant and what are you guys actually doing to bring more resources where needed” Then there’s a part of me which feels benefited by meditation. This has more to do with me than it does Desteni Or  “Corporate Yoga”

It’s about my innocence or inner child that will fall for anything. Believe anything without testing it out. Which is why it’s important for me to learn how to make decisions for myself.   I’ve always judged debate as “ugly” and “harsh”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blindly follow any set of teachings whether from desteni, religion, or spirituality, friends,relatives, peers,spiritual teachers and gurus.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to claim my own authority

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be a coward and not speak up and be afraid to disagree for fear of losing friends and people saying “fuck that guy” and being hostile.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear punishment from conflict

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rather retreat then advance into conflict

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to emulate the people who have brought up conflict within me..by back chatting conflict about others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself and nervous system to be manipulated by emotions of flight or fight. So if someones mad at me/arguing I feel as if i have to hit them, hurt them, or go into “kill mode” Unconsciously not realizing that is it unconscious.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not like debate…But my wounded ego would love it for it could strengthen my sense of self

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create war within myself through inner conflict

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize life and death are in the power of the tongue.

When and as i see myself going into flight or fight i stop and breathe. I clear my head. And realize that is it the ego trying to fight or feed for survival. But it is only a false self.

When and as i see myself going into unconscious defend mode. I stop and breathe. I remove myself from the person until I’ve cooled down. Then only then can i speak life into the situation.

I commit myself to focus on the inner conflict and solutions rather that external conflict and problems.

Redefining Conflict: Con-flict…Conflick. a con flick/movie in ones head. A movie is created by a projector. Con-flick-ted by the projector of the mind which is telling the brain that conflict is external but it is internal.

Day 9- Possesiveness

Possessiveness- having or manifesting a desire to control or dominate another, especially to limit that persons relationships with others. Although it’s hard to admit there is possessiveness within me self honestly it is true. All the women I’ve been interested. I don’t like the men that talk to them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize i’m possessive. and secretly wish to limit girls that i know or meet with guys there around.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be jealous of men who talk or hang out with women i am interested in.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself in the past to wish for relationships in which the women is “my girl” is “mine” like a possession. Which is not true love.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive myself about being possessive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use seduction as a way to possess a women

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in possessive thoughts a form of abuse..

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be mad at men who talk to women i want to get to know or am interested in.

When and as i see myself getting jealous of men talking to women i wished i was with I stop and breathe

I commit myself to investigate my possessiveness

I commit myself to own my jealousy

I commit myself to accept myself for who i am and stop looking for women who are not interested in me or realistic.

 

Day 8 Calm

Redefining Calm: Finding the “place” where i can stop or slow down the “train of thoughts” A calm after the storm of emotion and feelings. To calm the waters so i may see clearly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when i research tyranny, slavery, and oppression to become worked up and feel angry within. Without using that anger to express what i think about injustice and mind control.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify myself as cool and calm

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live according to how others put me in a box

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put myself and others in a box

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress the opposite polarity of calm.. a “overstimulated nervous system” or “ego” “superego”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prefer calm and despise chaotic, rushed, and out on control

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe i am calm

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to “calm myself down” with positive and new age bullshit

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear getting lost in chaos

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress the things that trigger the crazy within myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to remain calm meanwhile there’s turmoil within. Such as hidden phobias.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the “crazy/ ego” within me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe ” I’m just trying to remain as calm as possible”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when i can’t calm myself down to cry or throw a fit

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to remain calm when there’s issue in a relationship

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the “calm personality construct” is life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the ” calm personality construct” is who i am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in agreements of calm personality construct being who i am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to present a cool personality construct to myself and “the world”…but suppress or hide my “hot-headed personality construct”

When and as i see myself going into ego mode i stop and breathe

When and as i see myself being possessed by the mind i stop and breathe

When and as i see myself going into hot header personality or cool personality i stop and breathe. and i know and realize neither is who i really am.

I commit myself to live the word clear

I commit myself to live the word clear-headedness

 

 

Day 7- Shyness Part 2

Shyness makes me feel unconformable and low self-esteem. It makes me feel inferior specifically to others and maybe other “alpha males” If someone i just meet is loud and boisterous. I may feel inhibited, hesitant, reserved,and like i want to get away. Shyness is like ice that needs to break to turn into water.. Its’ the breaking through of the crystalline structure of shyness. It’s only a character/personality construct.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold in my inner thoughts and feelings.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not speak up due to fear of others judging my voice

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be shy around women i imagine to be superior to me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from loud boisterous personalities. When in reality they are also within me. yet suppressed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cover my social self up with being conservative, calm, and reserved.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as handling myself by being polite and reserved not showing any sign of sexuality when inwardly there’s a lot of sexual suppression and desire

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold my expression back until its safe and the coast is clear. Meaning i have to be polite first i can’t just talk over people. I have to listen. It’s rude to just speak out loud.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel insecure socially when all i may need is some tools and pointers to support me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to carry the personality of being quiet and reserved…and when someone cracks the shell feel like i want to escape and i don’t want to feel what i feel. because it hurts.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt my self expression and my voice.

When and as i see myself feeling socially awkward. I stop and breathe. I realize talking is not a big deal…well it is…but thoughts that cross my mind are not really a big deal.

I commit myself to socialize.

I commit myself to express myself

I commit myself to not suppress my self expression