Day 20 Writers Block

It has been a while since I’ve written. Decide to push past the resistance and write. But I had a lot of writers “blocks” I couldn’t think of what to write about.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about the past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be paranoid of sharing myself on a blog.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust groups of people

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to chase this nostalgic feeling of friendship in my school daze

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be hesitant to find work because im going on vacation in 2 months or so

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give a fuck about things that i shouldn’t give a fuck about

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to run away from the point that life sucks

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not embrace the low points of the waves of emotions

I forgive myself  for not accepting and allowing myself to see,realize, and understand that a little bit goes a long way

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not claim myself as the director and creator of my life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wait until i have a girlfriend to live potential, adulthood, and openness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see and realize that i have to open up a point in order to write and elaborate on it.

When and as i see myself going into mistrust i stop and breathe.

When and as i see myself giving a fuck about things i should not give a fuck about i stop  and breathe

When and as i see myself going into overthinking i stop and breathe

When and as i see myself going into personalities or characters i stop and breathe

When and as i see the mind consciousness system lying i stop and breathe

 

Day 10 -Conflict with others

Conflict to me is a form of opposition or polarity with two “separate” people. It can be external or internal. Conflict is generally not a pleasant thing for me. Something that i try to avoid at all costs externally. But there is conflict and opposition within. Which is triggered by things like politics, divided, people, and religion,etc. For me internal conflict shows up in the form of being indecisive and changing my mind. It can show up as me hearing lets say two different principles but they contradict each other. One says spirituality is good one bad. One says friendliness is good and the other says ” fuck everyone”  Externally I’ve had conflict. between “yoga corporate people” and myself. I don’t like when people tell em what to do or correct me. For example there is conflict between what I’ve learned so far which is probably just the tip of the iceberg about desteni and its principles. But those principles and the principles of yoga for example contradict each other. I have time finding a common ground.. a place of no black and white thinking. Like Desteni says that the mind consciousness system is the problem. From my understanding…. and that meditation or receiving energy is actually feeding the mind consciousness system.  So I start judging others who practice the yoga i practiced as ” there feeding the mind consciousness system. They don’t know what i know.People are starving. Men are being emasculated, Children raped, Brutality is rampant and what are you guys actually doing to bring more resources where needed” Then there’s a part of me which feels benefited by meditation. This has more to do with me than it does Desteni Or  “Corporate Yoga”

It’s about my innocence or inner child that will fall for anything. Believe anything without testing it out. Which is why it’s important for me to learn how to make decisions for myself.   I’ve always judged debate as “ugly” and “harsh”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blindly follow any set of teachings whether from desteni, religion, or spirituality, friends,relatives, peers,spiritual teachers and gurus.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to claim my own authority

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be a coward and not speak up and be afraid to disagree for fear of losing friends and people saying “fuck that guy” and being hostile.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear punishment from conflict

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rather retreat then advance into conflict

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to emulate the people who have brought up conflict within me..by back chatting conflict about others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself and nervous system to be manipulated by emotions of flight or fight. So if someones mad at me/arguing I feel as if i have to hit them, hurt them, or go into “kill mode” Unconsciously not realizing that is it unconscious.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not like debate…But my wounded ego would love it for it could strengthen my sense of self

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create war within myself through inner conflict

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize life and death are in the power of the tongue.

When and as i see myself going into flight or fight i stop and breathe. I clear my head. And realize that is it the ego trying to fight or feed for survival. But it is only a false self.

When and as i see myself going into unconscious defend mode. I stop and breathe. I remove myself from the person until I’ve cooled down. Then only then can i speak life into the situation.

I commit myself to focus on the inner conflict and solutions rather that external conflict and problems.

Redefining Conflict: Con-flict…Conflick. a con flick/movie in ones head. A movie is created by a projector. Con-flick-ted by the projector of the mind which is telling the brain that conflict is external but it is internal.