Day 5- Something wrong with me?

Sometimes I have the thought that i am not good enough or complete. Or “something is wrong with me”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as slow

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as “special ed”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as “learning impaired”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as antisocial and different

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a failure

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I can’t create anything or change on this planet.

When and as i see myself going into judgment that something is wrong with my personality,brain, or appearance. I stop and breathe.

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Day 3- Nature

I recently did a youtube video on Nature being the foundation of my authenticity and relations. Being out in nature I can forget my worries,fears, and anxieties and air out my “mental frame” Nature is our teacher. Nature isn’t prejudice or judging. We feel accepted and nurtured by nature.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make excuses to not go out into the forest of nature.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to isolate myself from nature for fear of being attacked out in public.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disconnect/dissociate from my true authentic “nature.”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose touch with the “mother” earth and “my” mother as well as my “inner mother”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose touch disconnect fragment from my inner feminine

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse my inner nature.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pollute/corrupt/sacrifice/kill my inner nature.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to steal from the earth and nature.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be natural.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be artificial/

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about using women for sex

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be fucked up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate,use,abuse, and fuck myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be fucked.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to deceive nature and woman.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be naked.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that man and women shit piss,cum,fart,drool,and bleed and all all ugly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be nauseated

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want women to give me sex

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want  to “fuck” women

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rape the earth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give back.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail protecting the earth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in this shit and pollution.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in misogyny.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in “sins”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abandon my relations with trees

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to neglect not grow my relations with the earth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my relations with gender.

 

I commit myself to walk the word authentic

When and as I see myself feeling nauseated I stop and breathe.

 

Day 1- Starting Over

I have broken my commitment to 21 days writing every day. I have been busy and when i do work,I find myself too tired to reflect and write.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be too tired and emotionally “sponged” to want to face myself and undo with self forgiveness statements

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be lazy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not even try, start, or ask.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise asking questions with fear of rejection,punishment, or humiliation. and feeling like im stupid.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to break myself down rather than build myself up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like a “bad” friend, cousin, and son.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not tell my mom i love you

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid to show love from my mom…probably due to peer pressure and being cool not allowed to say i love you to parents.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to withdraw love from my mom during junior high years and become cold hearted

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be good at giving back to my parents and supporting them financially.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not tell my dad i love you

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself not to know how to love people or be a friend or talk to people

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be ashamed of myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad and lonely and antisocial

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be anti social

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make things harder than they really are and thus drain and frustrate myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I CAN’t do anything or whatever i want

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate work and hate workers

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be able to tolerate a worker and resign because of them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate going to new jobs with new people and see new clicks.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when i go to new jobs to say fuck you in my head to everyone as a defense mechanism that they wont judge me or try to “fuck” with me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to “have” to high paced physical jobs to be able to survive and if i dont like it for feeling like im doomed if i leave for feeling like a quitter/loser/weakling

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become very tired daily.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself when im rock bottom to not want to speak to anyone or do anything again like i protest against everything.

 

When and as i see myself going into self sabotage. I stop and breathe.

When and as i see myself going into antisocial thoughts i stop and breathe.

When and as i see myself getting emotional and sad I stop and breathe.

When and as i see myself comparing myself to others i stop and breathe

Day 20 Writers Block

It has been a while since I’ve written. Decide to push past the resistance and write. But I had a lot of writers “blocks” I couldn’t think of what to write about.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about the past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be paranoid of sharing myself on a blog.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust groups of people

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to chase this nostalgic feeling of friendship in my school daze

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be hesitant to find work because im going on vacation in 2 months or so

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give a fuck about things that i shouldn’t give a fuck about

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to run away from the point that life sucks

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not embrace the low points of the waves of emotions

I forgive myself  for not accepting and allowing myself to see,realize, and understand that a little bit goes a long way

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not claim myself as the director and creator of my life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wait until i have a girlfriend to live potential, adulthood, and openness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see and realize that i have to open up a point in order to write and elaborate on it.

When and as i see myself going into mistrust i stop and breathe.

When and as i see myself giving a fuck about things i should not give a fuck about i stop  and breathe

When and as i see myself going into overthinking i stop and breathe

When and as i see myself going into personalities or characters i stop and breathe

When and as i see the mind consciousness system lying i stop and breathe

 

Day 15- My relationship with women in the past

I’ve not had much experience dating women. As a teen I came close to having a girlfriend i met online but we didn’t have cars so it was hard to meet. I said something about her and my friend told her. it wasn’t nice…so that kind of ruined it. But we did meet. I listened to her life story and was there for her when her brother passed…but we were young and dumb.During high school I started hanging out with a coworker we would party together and get trashed. People around me asked if she was my girlfriend…To which i said yes. People at work knew. Our relationship only lasted as long as i worked there. I’m thankful for the experience although the women is not and will never be good for me. I will say that people treated me a lot different and i got a lot of attention and invites to parties but probably just because they thought maybe they could get something from her. After that. I’d meet some women and even ones that have mutual friends. But it would basically go no further than us hanging out and me getting friend zoned. One showed interest at first but when i assumed she was interested she made excuse.There were a couple women whom i was interested in but no more than kissing with one. I’ve been through the phase of wanting to sleep with strangers. I’m at the point where i want a girlfriend.  One that is “good” for me. What i mean by that is a women with a good head on her shoulders. There were some spiritual church/yoga women i was interested in in the past. One of them i let know that i was interested. And she said she wants to be friends.

But it felt good just being honest with her about how i feel. Another from yoga really liked me however i was not attracted to her and she lives long distance. We said we were bf and gf for a while. But self honestly it was not true love. I also would like to meet women and just be friends. So I can have a more solid relationship with women.  What’s important is for me to at least talk to women.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for women through drinking,drugs, and partying

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be around women that are not good for me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow my lust and my dick

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to in the past hang out with a women who strips at parties

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tolerate a drunk girlfriend

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to settle for less with women in the past

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be mad i couldn’t “get” women who i met and was interested in yoga

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sexual toward spiritual women

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel lustful toward nature loving women

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be interested in women who have inner childhood wounds and parental issues

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stop myself when i get friend zoned and go into negative self talk

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing insecurity to control me as far as what i think i’m capable of when meeting women

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not have a solid foundation of friendship with women

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself when i have lustful thoughts of my women friends.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get down on myself about being single for a while and feel very depressed about not having a gf

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sorry for myself for not having a girlfriend and even many women whom im interested in to talk to

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put a women im interested ins bf on a pedestal and in the past to want to become like him.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself for past relationship failures

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that women hate me

When and as i see myself going into lustful thoughts toward women friends i stop and breathe. I realize i don’t want to sabotage relationship agreements based on uncontrollable desires and lust

When and as i see myself going into negative self talk about my relationship with women I stop and breathe

When and as i see myself go into negative self talk about my appearance…in particular my ears…i stop and breathe.

When and as i see myself thinking im not man enough i stop and breathe.

I commit myself to see my i am enoughness

Day 12 Mistakes

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear making mistakes

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into black and white thinking if i make a mistake

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget to work with playfulness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear older white men being verbally aggressive with me about my work

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify myself with mistakes and past failures

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to beat myself up when i start making mistakes

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear toxic emotions in other men at work “toward” me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not work on the words people have called me..So that the words do not affect me anymore. But eventually help me.

i forgive myself for accepting ad allowing myself to judge myself as being bad if i make a mistake. As if I’m hurting other people by making mistakes by pissing them off.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid to piss off people. When in reality i am not trying to piss them off.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that if i piss someone off. To play with that. Rather than becoming serious and miserable. Therefore I commit myself to if i piss someone off to have fun or play with it. To play with the words for example. After all comedy is based on pissed off people not getting there way. I’ve had it done to me repetitively…If I’m pissed off people keep poking at it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go to the point of madness when judging myself after making mistakes

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate older white men because of some memories I’ve had of them being verbally aggressive or abusive with me. And I reacting by taking myself seriously. Rather than a play.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold my incompleteness of trade college againt myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think just because i failed a class I can’t still try to pass state board exam

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell myself im a failure because i didn’t pass practice test to take state board exam.

Therefore i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if i’m pissed off and others poke at me I should do it to them

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to tease people and bring humor or use humor as a healing way for conflict of pissed off people. To not take ourselves so seriously

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when people get pissed off to begin taking myself so seriously. rather than playful. I lose my playfulness so to speak.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not make best of whats here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see mistakes as a learning Process.Not an event. or and end result.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that mistakes are a part of being human.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself if i make a mistake in a structured social setting such as work or martial arts class to belittle myself with judgment and get angry at myself.

When and as i see myself or judge myself making a mistake i stop and breathe.

When and as i see myself thinking about mistakes I did in past. I realize i can’t change the best but make the best of whats here.

When and as i find myself going into memories of older male white men getting verbally aggressive with me or physically with there facial expression, eye expression, and tone of voice.

When and as i see myself going into anger about older white men that i assume are dicks i stop and breathe.

When I go into black and white thinking after making a mistake I stop and breathe.

When and as i see myself going into memories of older white men spewing verbal venom at me I stop and breathe. Or in the present tense. For breathe is the power that will take me away from doing something that i regret.Rather that lashing out if an arrow penetrates my heart.

When and as i go into critical thinking about my mortuary college practice test.I stop and breathe.

I commit myself to see mistakes as opportunity.

I commit myself to see the “play” in the characters

I commit myself to turn seriousness into a joke. and mistakes into learning opportunities.

Day 2 Boredom

Boredom… Thats a emotional feeling that always seems to bring about trouble. As a child and teenager i would always or become unconscious/unstable when i felt bored of how i imagined i wanted things to be.The things i did in life that i regret were done with people in a state of boredom.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear commitment and self responsibility as me having “no life.”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not recreate myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be an asshole toward myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to sleep with strangers…without considering the consequences…and not considering getting to know that person for who they are inside.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not know what to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not know how to “love” a person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be too careful

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress this sexual demon system

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to listen to music about the war system

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be paralyzed and distracted  by anxiety and fear and what others think of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the things about my appearance i cant change.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that i cant control things

Self-Correction: I can’t control everything. Controlling doesn’t make me happy. I can rather seek discipline,self-direction, and being grounded. Self-acceptance of my appearance. Pushing through anxiety through getting out of mind. I can’t control what others think of me.Sf of the sexual demon system. Take risks. There is no “security safety.” Give to people what i think is lacking in the world.Giving is receiving.Decide what to do.Action steps.

I commit myself to at least 21 days of daily writing.

I commit myself to become more aware of my addiction to the thoughts of sleeping with strangers. and to think twice about the reality of it. About who i am.

When and as i see this sexual demon system come up. I stop and breathe and come back to the life in my body.

When and as I see myself not knowing what to do. I stop and breathe.

When and as i see myself thinking about the things about my self i cant change i stop and breathe

When and as i see myself thinking about the things i cant change in others i stop and breathe. i realize i have to accept the person who they are or suffer the consequences

When and as i see myself going into boredom i stop and breathe