Day 13- Projecting Onto Girls

I caught myself recently projecting onto a girl I met on dating site. Because we hit it off so well through texting on the app. Honestly its like I dont really want a girlfriend. My ego does. It just wants to feel the image of being loved by a girl. Its like a ego boost a high. Its more of a mental fantasy than a reality. Admittedly I have been brainwashed by Hollywood movies and by porn as well. For example how the porn star men treat the woman. How the unpopular men become heroes by “saving” the girls. Even as a kid I fell victim to romantic roles. My first memory was watching peter pan. I forgot the girls name in peter pan maybe Wendy or Tinkerbell. I projected that fantasy onto childhood girl friends. Always wanting to save girls from problems. Like whenever girls tell me there problems i fall into the delusion of wanting to fix them or help them…(When in reality they chose to be with those guys.) Which pushes them away. Making them lose attraction to me. There is this neediness in me like i want to be loved. Expectations are the root of heartbreak.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to break my own heart with my expectations falling into deep depression and bitterness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at the games men and women play
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get so attached to the “idea” of a relation-ship. When ships sink.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my insecurities onto girls as if there gonna help to melt away all insecurities
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fantasize of love making to girls i just meet.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to chase the high of love until i crash and burn into depression and self doubt
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to waste my time and energy with girls that are so attached to past relationships
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be mad at girls who waste my time
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose myself trying to “find” a girlfriend rather than be conscious and focus on myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek a energy high off of girls and to project pleasure onto them
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to call girls bitches if im interested but then they start telling me a victim story
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think having a gf is all sunshine and rainbows rather than the “warlike” state that is really is.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust the process of meeting people
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see and understand the psychology of the female gender

When and as i see myself going into fantasies about girls i meet I stop and breathe.

I commit myself to observe my words,thoughts, and actions regarding girls.

Day 12- Yoga youtube video

When i was just watching a “Yoga with Adrienne video. Adrienne talked about how millions of people all over the world are watching or have watched this video.
I saw in my imagination people from all over the world. I contemplated how useful yoga is to me as a tool that supports me and others. Yoga has been a solution to my issues. An Emotional, Mental, and “Spiritual” healer and true friend.
A gift of insight and clarity. Connecting the mind to the body. There’s a point where Adrienne said something about yoga is how we connect to the world. This is hot indigenous people thought. Everyone is sacred and has a part to play in the community. Yoga is sacred. Where you have to listen to yourself. You learn to take care of yourself.

I declare and decree that yoga is my strength.
Yoga is my grounding “technique”
Yoga and breathing connect myself to others.
Yoga connects me to the earth.
Where no one is more important than anyone else.

I commit myself to not underestimate the power of laying on my mat and breathing and using the earth as support.

Day 11-Psychology of abuse

Abuse is unfortunately so common. We’ve accepted it as “normal” and acceptable. Abuse is the absence of equality. In the movie The Shining we see that Danny is a victim of abuse of his father. Possible sexual too. We see this within satanic ritual abuse where even children are abused sexually physically and made into split personalities. Interestingly enough the cycle continues. Unless one can get help an stop it. We need more avenues for the healing of abuse within society.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be in denial of abuse.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse my self with negative self talk.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that one creates hell through abuse
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a abusive dialogue within my mind
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing non violence within my internal dialogue.

I commit myself to stop creating hell through abuse of self and others.

When and as i see myself going into abuse or accepting it.I stop and breathe. I ground myself and see that it is in fact unacceptable.

Day 10 – Nervous

Nervous: highly excitable; unnaturally or acutely uneasy or apprehensive.

Redefining Nervousness: The effect the internal dialogue has on the nervous system and the body.

Junior High is when i can remember first feeling nervous.Nervous about grades…aka in my eyes as my self worth. Grades I equated with self worth and popularity. Number of friends as well. I viewed classmates in Junior High and High school as a sort of hierarchy where i imagined the most popular classmates were like elite gods. Was this nervousness of my defensive ego or was it from my true self? It was mind created. Through my relationship to the mind through internal dialogue.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be nervous
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be acutely uneasy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be neurotic
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be apprehensive
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry and be anxious.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be apprehensive about being played
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be apprehensive about trusting people
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feed my nervousness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be nervous about speaking
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel nervous around strangers
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel nervous around “authority figures”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel nervous about being in a room full of socializing unknown women when im the only man in the room
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be nervous around drunk people.

When and as i see myself going into nervousness i stop and breathe.
When and as i see myself biting my fingernails or doing nervous movements with my fingers i stop and breathe.

Day 9- Being Misunderstood

When i am misunderstood or i misunderstand another there is a difference in perception. A difference in ways of looking at a view point. The opposite of understanding.
Under-stand:standing underneath someones viewpoints beliefs..Letting people step on you with there be-lie-f

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to misunder-stand
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think there’es anything to understand.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe other peoples beliefs as there viewpoints.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek to be understood all the time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel the need to explain myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that people cant understand unless they listen and pay attention.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that I’m not responsible for how “other people” understand,interpret me and my words.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to misunderstand myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to under-stand…to stand underneath people.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be manipulated by under-standing and mis-undersanding.

When and as i see myself being misunderstood. I stop and breathe.

I see, realize, and understand that we all have different understandings of how the world works. how it was created. Who we are as identities and personalities and of cultural influence. The mind can play tricks on us if we don’t know how the mind works. We’re all dreaming our own dream so to speak.It’s like a memory which is dreamlike.

Day 8- Forgetfulness

Forgetfulness. Stress,anxiety, and can cause forgetfulness. What is there to forget? What do i forget? Most importantly the most harmful thing to forget is identity. Who you are.Who I am. Who am i? With learning we forget things that we’ve been taught. Information so to speak. With martial arts its pure education and learning. Sometimes i forget what was just demonstrated. Until I see it repeated then i see something I missed and or forgot. Same thing with life. We forget what we take for granted. We forget are good. We forget all the books, videos, tools,and information we absorbed.If we are to live fully, we mustn’t let the past memories hold us down. We must rise.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget who I am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget to breathe.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget my goodness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget what to give a fuck about and not give a fuck about
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget about the big picture.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be forgetful.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be the cause of my forgetfulness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not write down reminders.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget what im going to do next.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not forget about it.

When and as i see myself going into forgetfulness I stop and breathe. I ask myself who am i?
I see, realize, and understand/overstand how important it is to remember who i am as I am.
I commit myself to ask myself who i am as my starting point.
I commit myself to find out if i do what really matters.

Day 7 Inferior

The feeling of inferiority is like I’m less in cleverness,smartness, intelligence,expression,looks,humor, clothes,jobs,education,finances, toys,technological consoles,games, and gadgets. As well as the belief of being less popular. Like I see this within myself when i was in elementary,junior high, and high school. I would equate my self worth/self esteem with grades. I still catch myself doing the same with quantity of friends. But it’s not about quantity of friends its about the quality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto guilt
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe i have to suffer a cycle of suffering to achieve this fleeting fantasy because of the be-lie-f im not good enough.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to equate truth with beliefs,
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself tot feel like im always behind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe feel that i have to hide myself because im not good enough.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not accept myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto to rather than release anger and fear( which go hand in hand)
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in the inner critic and for criticizing myself.

When and as i see myself going into inferiority i stop and breathe.

I see, realize, and understand that inferiority is just a mind made fear. A fictitious story.

Day 6- Crying

Sadness has come into my being. On the outside i appear that all is well. However,internally there is wars going on. The question I will ask is what are these feelings of uncontrollable crying about? Well specifically they’re about loss. The loss of friends in my life. The loss of family members in my life. The loss of my childhood. The loss of jobs. The loss of “the past” and the pain that goes with it. Sometimes the crying is the frustration of stress. Sometimes the crying is sadness from the words i never said to my loved ones. So mainly its about the shit i hold in. Other times i cry because i feel so bad about how another person made me feel.Sometimes it feels as if its just cleansing my soul. I get teary eyed alot…not emotionally but from allergies,pollution, and sinus fuckery. Its very strange but for me and where im at crying in front of people who support me is my courage. You will hear another side of me you never knew existed. My true self=my vulnerable self. My false self is my shell.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be seen crying.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not show any weakness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage my relationship to self and others by holding in everything. Holding in words, thoughts, actions, and emotions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not cry in front of people, when crying in front of people can be an act of courage where im afraid to let out the sadness in grief in public. I believe if i cried in front of people who cared about me they would probably get closer because they can see how much im really hurting. Yes. If im honest with myself. There is hurt. Yes its healthy to express it out of my body. But me holding it in from my observation,DISTANCES or HIDES me from people who care about me. I tend to be closed off in my shell and not let people in and see me. Because im afraid they’re going to make me feel bad about myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be depressed when i do isolate myself. Its that the isolation actually IS depressing. Therefore the solution is to get out and do something.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not speak through my sadness and tears to get it out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell myself toughen up be a man dont cry.

When and as i see myself going into isolation and becoming depressed. I stop and breathe.

 

Day 5- Something wrong with me?

Sometimes I have the thought that i am not good enough or complete. Or “something is wrong with me”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as slow

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as “special ed”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as “learning impaired”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as antisocial and different

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a failure

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I can’t create anything or change on this planet.

When and as i see myself going into judgment that something is wrong with my personality,brain, or appearance. I stop and breathe.

Day 4- Asking for Help

I just feel like today is one of those days. That has been ruined. I don’t really feel like doing much. I haven’t been feeling well either. Very tired and kind of upset stomach. A lot has happened . Some of which I will not write about. I am really suppressed today and it’s been difficult to communicate my talking is changing which scares me. I haven’t been sleeping well, nor getting enough sleep.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get drained.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel helpless.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel addicted.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like im codependent and possibly in a toxic relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like im toxic.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in miscommunication

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not speak deeply enough.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose focus of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be surrounded by family with not the best influences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think someones gonna hurt me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not move my body physically and push myself and then feeling like if i don’t im stuck by myself in a place where no one can reach me or help me because i’ve been programmed to think such ways.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to get up early enough to be productive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in energy of the mind and thus create consequences of polarity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry i started sneezing in the morning and that my breathing is messed up from allergies

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like i need help and am a mess.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think my whole family and friends are fucked up but they are not separate from me.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to manifest my career.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist and dislike sneezing allergies and sinus blockages. Then judge myself and wish i wasn’t speaking with a voice that sounds like i’m sick.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the fall/autumn.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel inferior that my parents are partners are having good conversations. Feeling jealous and wishing i had someone to talk to like that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like i enable my fathers drinking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing this disease of fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defeated by fear today.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel so miserable take on peoples emotions that  i can no longer have “a good head on my shoulders” have compassion or love within.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be ready for a relationship or a job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like today i just cant communicate with my parents.