Day 6-Shyness

Shyness: the awkwardness  or apprehension some people feel when approaching or being approached by other people. I have been shy through most of my school years. Interesting point on many dimensions within myself. Part of the shyness has to do with my self image of my looks in particular my relationship with my ears. Which. If I’m honest I don’t really like.  I don’t want my ears to look different. But that’s the reality. I think this has a lot to do with my shyness and not wanting to be seen. For fear others will bring attention to it and even tease,bully, or verbally abuse me. It’s a tough point for me to look at and talk about..But even tougher to hold in. Of course this is only one aspect of my shyness. And others my whole life asking me about my ears probably contributed to extreme judgement and self consciousness where i shut down in front of strangers.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow others to identify me as shy and introverted. When in reality that was only a mask or what they saw.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear meeting new women

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my job,living, and financial situation isnt the best which hesitates me from meeting women and believing i could be a potential partner

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not like my ears

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not love my ears

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold in anger that my parents didn’t have doctor put cotton swabs behind my ears after birth to help shape my ears normally

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like an outsider because my ears are different.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that my ears are the reason i don’t have a partner.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think to people who are self conscious about petty things on there face “what are you complaining for?”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my ears as my worthiness where if i had normal ears i would be more worthy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare my ears to others and equate my ears with penis size.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to focus so much on my appearance and not who i am deep down inside.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid to face people look them in the face. and for them to see me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think others are talking about my ears behind my back

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself when i was a teenager to be pissed off at my “friend” and a women for when i drove them around to laugh about my ears behind my back. My friend encouraged me to confront him. Which i did but it was more of a wanting to fight approach.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think im ugly because of my ears. When if im honest with myself i don’t mind the way i look other than my ears.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to both want and fear attention.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold in the pain and rage of being teased about my ears…something i can’t change or have control over.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cut myself short because of my ears. WHen in reality i am capable of doing anything that i want or that other people do.

 

When and as i see myself going into self consciousness and anger toward people who have created hurt in my cellular memory about my ears i stop and breathe

I realize there is NOTHING i can do about my ears…but embrace them or run away from them. I don’t have the funds to do plastic surgery.

I commit myself to heal my wounded-ness of  being teased about my appearance.

 

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s